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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I’d rather go liquor treating.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
☠️ ☠️
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.