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My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big