You Might Also Like
ME: I鈥檓 always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don鈥檛 know what to do with that.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I haven鈥檛 filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don鈥檛 think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment鈥檚 hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Don鈥檛 ask me! I鈥檓 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Unfortunately, Superman won鈥檛 be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won鈥檛 go near the crypt tonight.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
(Dracula has social anxiety and can鈥檛 attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I鈥檓 so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet鈥檚*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we鈥檝e offered her
Its a hippotatomus
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought