😜
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*