😜
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.