😜
You Might Also Like
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down