😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.