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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???