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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Jeff Bezos confirms he鈥檚 no longer the world鈥檚 richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that鈥檚 a wrap. rip.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”