😤😤
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thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.