😤😤
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Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist