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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
time for some seasonal decor
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth