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a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Good lord
making sure he doesnt get away
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh