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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.