😭😭
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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.