😭😭
You Might Also Like
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
i choose….tongue
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.