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I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m already scared
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock