😭😭
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Jupiter
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.