😭😭
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.