Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]