😭😭😭
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me My dog
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.