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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.