😭😭😭
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Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Nothing to do, you say?
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street