😭😭😭
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I used the label maker
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict