😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room