😭😭😭
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i think both sides are to blame here
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.