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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
