😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.