😭😭😭😭
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Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Science memes
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*