You Might Also Like
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Fruity
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
canadian assassins are called killergrams
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”