😲 WTF? 😆
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
la cocaina
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.