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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s