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There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
This kid is going places
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers