😼🖥️
You Might Also Like
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I laughed at this way too hard.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
This sounds bad:
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.