😼🖥️
You Might Also Like
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
tfw you realize …
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered