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therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda