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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Oh, I bet you would be
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
meanwhile over on facebook
