🙂🐾
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.