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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Facebook memories be like
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*