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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.