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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
British websites use biscuits.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad