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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“You’d better run, egg!”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!