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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
