🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You Might Also Like
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.