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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, โWe tricked this guy to climb into the park fountainโ. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. โIโm gonna put this guy in his place.โ no youโre not. youโre a henchman breaking into John Wickโs home. youโve made bad life choices
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… iโve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
I apparently said โkeratinโ instead of โketamineโ when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a โi didnโt know i was pregnantโ type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.