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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
it is time once again
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m not proud
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.