🤔😂😂
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
