🤔😂😂
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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are