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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
uh oh
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.