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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I think I’ll stand
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
What do you text your spouse?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
why neck hurt
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA