🤝
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling