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My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
what do you want
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??