馃ぃ
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your r茅sum茅?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*ties a little bow around insect鈥檚 head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can鈥檛 stop dreaming about hiking
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that鈥檚 not why he鈥檚 mad
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must鈥檝e made this before
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef