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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
DOOO EEEET
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Salad is the decaf of food.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!