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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car