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People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
August 8
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.