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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.