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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Reporter: *ports again*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.