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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio