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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
March 16
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns