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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
#Caturday
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy