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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
sliding into dms like
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell