馃ぃ
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it鈥檚 painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
It鈥檚 hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If you were a burger, I鈥檇 throw you in the trash.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Boating season is upon us.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Sooo many times…..
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants