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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?