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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life