🤣could you imagine
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.