🤣could you imagine
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Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I was up late last night night, rubbing mayonnaise into my beard, and now I can’t get out of bed as I’m suffering from egg sauce chin.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.