🤣dope
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I’d … I’d rather not.
