🤣✨#caturday
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
you’re not fooling anyone
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test