🤣✨#caturday
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The opposite of goth is stopth.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes