🤣😂
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
This did not end as expected.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
middle school in the ’90s
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot