🤣😂🤣
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
