🤣😂🤣
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This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.