馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren鈥檛 supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn鈥檛 eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where鈥檚 Adam?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
me: I鈥檓 into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what鈥檚 ur favourite
me: canola
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.