🤣😂🤣😂
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Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?