Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

The cashier just checked me out.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

welp

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”