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[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
#NeverForget
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?